frankbarnard.com

I thought I’d made it at last when my publisher, Headline Review, announced that they were flying me out at Malta at the beginning of November on a promotional tour, geared round the publication of a special local edition of Band Of Eagles, re-titled Band Of Eagles Over Malta. When I got the itinerary the first appointment was listed as ‘ 10.00 a.m-11.30 a.m Embassy’. I thought it was a bit early for a posh do, rather regretting that I would not be announced by a flunky at the top of the sweeping staircase. ‘ Lord and Lady Blinks, the Honourable Percy Phipps, Elmer T.Hockenbasher…and our guest of honour, Lords, Ladies and gentleman, Mr Frank Barnard.’
At which point I would descend into a glittering world where candlelight glinted on medals, picked out diamonds on tiaras, and from every point came the sound of light applause accompanied by the raising of flutes of champagne. Pity that, sounded rather good. But still, a morning affair was something of a compliment so I ‘phoned Headline publicity. ‘ This bash at the Embassy,’ I said. ‘ Can you advise on what I should wear?’
‘ Oh I don’t know, the usual I suppose. Whatever you feel comfortable in.’
‘ Well, how formal it it?’
‘ Not at all, I shouldn’t think. They’ll sit you at a table and you’ll just sign books if people buy any.’
‘ Sounds a bit casual doesn’t it?’ A seed of doubt began to grow. ‘ Will our Ambassador be there?’
‘ The Ambassador?’
‘ The British Ambassador.’
‘ I shouldn’t think so, no. Why should he be?’
‘ Well, being the Embassy I rather thought…’
‘ Oh I see. No, it’s not that Embassy. It’s the Embassy shopping mall.’
I do not plan to wear medals. Lucky really, because I haven’t got any.